You Have Two “Selves” When It Comes to Happiness
Did you know that, when it comes to happiness, you actually have two selves? You have your “experiencing” self and your “remembering” self.
The “experiencing self” is the one that experiences life moment to moment. In any given day, we each experience a whole range of emotions — anxiety at being late for work, joy at meeting a friend for lunch, frustration at our spouse for forgetting to run an errand. The experiencing self rides this emotional rollercoaster with us, feeling each emotion as it comes and goes. The experiencing self is the self that can answer the question “are you happy right now?”
The remembering self, on the other hand, does not ride the daily emotional rollercoaster with us. It looks back on things that have happened and stores the significant details in our memories. It is the self that reflects on our lives, that summarises events and evaluates achievements. It is the self that can answer the question “are you happy about your life?”
For example, if you go on holiday, the experiencing self is there with you along the way, feeling each and every emotion — calm as you sip a cocktail on the beach, irritation at the noisy kids in the pool, panic when you temporarily lose your room key. However, the remembering self will not store all of these little details. It will look back on the holiday and recall only the “peak moments” and create a story about the holiday based on those peak moments. So if something particularly noteable happened, like getting your wallet stolen, the remembering self is likely to store that memory. When you think about the holiday, you will not remember all the moments that the experiencing self encountered; you will only remember the story that the remembering self created.
Why does the distinction matter?
The distinction between these two selves matters greatly when it comes to happiness, because research has shown that there is very little correlation between how satisfied someone is with their life and how happy they are when they are actually experiencing their life. That is, there is a big difference between how we think about our lives and how we feel when we actually live them.
For example, receiving a pay rise is very unlikely to affect your experiencing self. After the initial jolt of happiness when you get the news of the pay rise, the extra money in your pay packet each month will not cause you to have more positive emotions throughout the day. However, if asked how satisfied you are with you life overall, the pay rise will increase the satisfaction felt by the remembering self.
On the other hand, many of the things we do to experience happiness or pleasure in the present moment will have no impact on the remembering self’s evaluation of our lives. That is, enjoying a nice meal, watching a good movie or buying a new outfit will make the experiencing self happy but will not affect the remembering self.
If you think about it, you will see the difference between the two selves in your own life. I know that, during the course of a given working day, I may not feel many joyful moments. I might feel frustrated by bad drivers, stressed by deadlines and irritated by colleagues. There will be moments of happiness when I eat a nice lunch, finish a project or have a pleasant conversation, but I definitely don’t feel joyful all day long. However, if at any point during the day you asked me how satisfied I am with my life, I would list all the ways in which I am fortunate (health, work, family, friends) and tell you that I am extremely happy with my life. I am happy my life, even if I am not always happy my life.
So which self should we prioritise?
Not only is there no correlation between the happiness of the two selves, but the two selves are often actually in conflict. What is good for now may not be the best choice for the memory. Our experiencing self seeks instant gratification and does not care about consequences. It will push us to do things that might feel good in the moment but do not contribute to our overall well-being. In contrast, our remembering self assesses our lives with a broad brush and fails to take into account the true measure of enjoyment experienced.
So if the two selves often want different things in order to be happy, which self should we prioritise?
Some will argue that the experiencing self is more important because it is the one that actually lives life. We can only ever exist in the present and we should optimise each moment. It is true that the experiencing self can often feel stronger. Our desire to feel good in the moment is generally more powerful than our desire to have positive memories about something.
However, I think that, where there is a conflict between the two selves, we should prioritise the remembering self. We may feel that the “real” moments of life should matter because they are the true experiences of our time on earth. However, most of these get forgotten almost instantly and all we are left with is our memories. Any happiness the experiencing self feels is fleeting, whereas the satisfaction of the remembering self can be deep-seated and long-lasting.
One of my favourite quotes is “happiness doesn’t always make you happy” (Gretchen Rubin). In the same way, prioritising the remembering self can mean doing something in the present that is hard work, but will make you more satisfied with your life in the long run.
Achieving nearly any goal requires us to fight through uncomfortable or even painful experiences. To get a promotion, pass an exam, lose weight or win a race, we need to force our experiencing self to do things that it might not enjoy. However, the remembering self will be much happier if we achieve our goals than if we simply enjoy lots of pleasant moments.
I also think we need to prioritise the remembering self because I don’t think the experiencing self can be truly happy unless the remembering self is happy. If you feel an underlying sense of unease and dissatisfaction in your life, it is difficult to feel very happy in any given moment. For example, if you hate your job or have ongoing problems in your relationship, it can be difficult to enjoy anything else in your life. I therefore think that it is important to work on the “big picture” of our lives in order to take more pleasure from the individual moments.
To sum up….
- When it comes to happiness, we have two selves who are often in conflict.
- The experiencing self rides the daily emotional rollercoaster with us and is focussed on how happy we are right now.
- The remembering evaluates our experiences and considers how satisfied with our lives overall.
- To maximise our happiness we should prioritise the remembering self, even if this means subjecting the experiencing self to some temporary discomfort.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Can you see the difference between the two selves in your own life? Which of your selves is happiest? Which of the selves do you tend to prioritise?
Originally published at https://ontheroadtohappiness.org on October 19, 2019.
