What’s As Bad For You As Smoking 15 Cigarettes A Day? This is.
If you ever feel lonely, you’re certainly not alone: 9 million people in the UK say that they are either always or often lonely.
That’s a staggering 14% of the population and it’s not just old people who are affected, as you might think, but people across all age groups.
Loneliness is the curse of the modern, affluent society. Not only does it make us unhappy, it is actually damaging to our health — research has shown that loneliness is as damaging to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
But why is loneliness such a big problem? There are more people on the planet than ever before, many of us live in overcrowded cities, and technology enables us to be connected with other people at any time and from any place.
We’re surrounded by other people, so why do we feel so lonely?
1. The breakdown of community
For thousands of years, human beings lived in tribes or groups, surrounded by a network of family and trusted friends, supporting each other with life’s tasks. However, the last few generations have seen the disintegration of community in many societies.
Extended families used to live together and have close relationships with their neighbours. Now, many people move away from their families, sometimes to a different city or even a different country. Many of us live alone and our contact with our neighbours goes no further than a nod if we pass them in the corridor. People used to spend their days working alongside others, whereas now we sit at desks, staring at screens, maybe only exchanging a few words with colleagues all day.
Society no longer encourages interdependence, but independence.
We are taught to stand on our own two feet, to manage on our own without anyone else’s help. Where we used to depend on our community for childcare, shelter and support, now we are expected to manage everything on our own.
We have become a society of individuals living in close proximity to each other, but not quite touching.
2. The fear factor
If the news, social media and marketing companies are to be believed, the world is a terrible, dangerous place and you’re better off staying at home.
Sensational news reporting and fear-based marketing strategies have caused a propagation of fear that is a contributing factor to the loneliness epidemic. People are made to feel so scared of their neighbourhoods and the world in general that they don’t feel safe going outside.
Of course, this isn’t helped by the fact that most of us don’t know the people living right next door to us. When we know and trust our neighbours we feel safer. Also, people are less likely to commit crimes or engage in anti-social behaviour when they are part of a close community. We are far more concerned about being held to account by people we know than by strangers.
3. The need for a “significant other”
Modern, western societies place strong emphasis on the need to find a life partner, a “significant other.” As we have become more independent and individualistic, we have lost much of the support that was once provided by extended families and communities. Now, we are encouraged to find one special person, someone who can provide us with everything we need and save us from crushing loneliness.
Couples have always been an important part of human life, but previously they existed as part of a larger network of families and communities. Now, couples are on their own, two people clutching to each other, adrift in a world with no other source of support.
This cultural shift towards couples rather than communities is flawed in many ways. Firstly, it places pressure on couples to be everything to each other, which often ends in frustration and disappointment. Secondly, it means that people who don’t find a partner, or who lose their partner, may suffer great loneliness. Being single in a society obsessed with couples can be very painful.
We don’t need a romantic partner to be happy and to avoid loneliness. All we need is close friendships, which can be found in familial and platonic relationships. However, it can be difficult to cultivate these relationships in a society where people are putting all their energy into finding “the one.”
4. The social media curse
The irony of smart phones and social media is that they have made us more connected than ever, yet they are not making us feel happier or less lonely.
Studies show that spending a lot of time on social media actually causes people to be unhappy and depressed. (See my article The Addiction You Didn’t Know You Had). Being faced with the glossy, “show reel” lives that others portray can make us feel bad about our own lives. Seeing other people smiling, laughing and surrounded by friends can serve as a painful reminder of our own loneliness.
Social media makes us more connected with each other in that we can see what other people are doing and we can comment and “like” their photos. However, it doesn’t make us more connected with each other in the sense of building meaningful relationships. Most online friends are not genuine friends that provide support and companionship.
As more and more people are feeling lonely, they are retreating into a virtual world to seek connection. Not only are they unlikely to find the friendship they seek online, but they are turning their backs on the “real” world, where meaningful relationships can be built.
So how can we tackle loneliness?
Loneliness might not be something that affects you right now, but it may well do in the future. Even if it never affects you, it is most likely affecting people that you know and care about.
Here are a few things you can do to combat loneliness for yourself and those around you:
1. Talk to strangers
We don’t necessarily need deep conversations with close friends and family every day to avoid loneliness. Small moments of connection throughout the day can contribute to overall happiness. A quick chat with someone in the lift, a conversation with a fellow passenger on the train, or even a few words with the waiter serving you coffee can all make you, and them, feel happier and more connected.
For most of us, it doesn’t come naturally to strike up a conversation with a stranger. It is human nature to be wary of people we don’t know. However, in my experience, nearly everyone is responsive and friendly if you do try and talk to them and, even if they’re not, what have you lost by trying?
2. Get to know your neighbours
It is a sad indictment of modern society that most of us don’t know the people living right next door to us. It is also rather ridiculous to think that one person might be sitting in their apartment feeling lonely and, just across the hallway, is another person also feeling lonely. Why don’t these people know each other? Why aren’t they avoiding loneliness by spending time together?
When we moved into our current flat, we knocked on our neighbours’ door and introduced ourselves. It is depressing that this is an unusual thing to do. We were rewarded for our efforts because our neighbours became great friends and, years later, we are still in touch with them. What a shame it would have been if we’d never introduced ourselves and instead simply passed them in the corridor every now and again.
Even if your neighbours don’t become your best friends, it can be comforting just to know who they are, to have a quick chat with them every so often and to feel that you could turn to them in an emergency.
3. Use your smart phone wisely
Phones can be a great way to keep connected with people, but only if used in the right way. When we were travelling last year, we were glad to be able to keep in touch with family and friends in a way that wasn’t possible even 10 years ago. However, we also noticed that phones have changed the way people interact. In the past, people in hostels, bars and bus stations would start chatting to each other. Now, everyone is busy staring into their phones. We might know what’s going on with our friends thousands of miles away, but we’re missing what’s happening right now.
There is no doubt that whatsapp is convenient and allows us to keep in touch with people all over the world. However, whatsapp has also robbed the world of the simple phone call. Nobody rings each other any more, they only message! Messages are easy, but they are also lazy. They do not allow the same sense of connection that a phone call does. Messages should be used for making arrangements or sending funny photos, but they are not a replacement for real conversations.
4. Create a community
Changing societies means that communities, as they once were, are disintegrating. However, this doesn’t mean that communities don’t exist or that you can’t create or join one.
If you want to feel a sense of belonging, join a group. Think of what you enjoy doing — whether it’s reading, cycling or skydiving — and find a group that is dedicated to that activity. The best way to create lasting friendships is to find people who enjoy the same things as you. This is why it’s more effective to do activities with friends, rather than just meeting for dinner or drinks. The activity gives you a shared interest and creates a stronger bond between you.
Lots of research shows that people who are part of communities are happier and healthier. A community can be any group of people that provides you with a sense of belonging, comfort and support.
To sum up…
There is no need for anyone to feel lonely. The antidote for loneliness is interaction with other human beings and, given that there are 7 billion of us, this shouldn’t be a problem.
Imagine there was a disease affecting 14% of the population and all you needed to do to cure someone was spend time with them. Wouldn’t you do it?
To combat loneliness, for yourself and others:
- Talk to strangers
- Get to know the people living next to you
- Call people instead of messaging
- Create or join a community
Originally published at https://ontheroadtohappiness.org on June 15, 2019.
